The Ubiquitous Geezer of Giza

World tour
Media whore
Please the Press in Belgium!

Is CNN running a story about touching-up the Sphinx? Oh, He'll be there.

The History Channel sending searchers to bob for Napoleon's navy at the mouth of the Nile? You can bet He'll make an appearance.

Late-night American radio host analyzing ancient Egyptian astronaut conspiracies? You can count on Him calling in.

Tut on tour? He will be the tour guide.

In the realm of global media whores, no one touches Him; not Bono, not Jesse, not Donald, not even Osama. Should you need to slide a shovel into the hot Egyptian sand, you had better damn-well be prepared to put Him on television talking about it.

He is Dr. Zahi Hawass, Secretary General of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities. You have seen Him before. He is everywhere. As far as I know, He IS the council, and the cost of doing business with Him is airtime.

It's gotten to the point where I can anticipate the announcement of His name without looking or even paying attention to the story. Be it television, radio, or print; if the tale touches the hem of Egypt's garments, Hawass will be named, quoted and featured throughout, just as sure as Pat Robertson will ask for cash.

Sitting atop the archaeological treasure trove of North Africa, Dr. Hawass tightens his stranglehold on the ebb and flow of Egyptological commerce. Every dig, every site, every investigation, every entry into every pyramid, every tour of every tomb, every dive into the depths, everything requiring a pith helmet, is all micro-managed by him.

The push to "restore" ruins is his. The extortion of European academia for the return of lost loot, booty and mummies is his his pet project. The never-ending quest for the maximum-range world-wide megaphone, through which to hear his own voice at the greatest possible volume is his alone.

He is the keeper of pharaohs and lord of the plateau. He is coming to a museum near you, and will likely leave for home with armfuls of your ancient art.

So, stash your scarabs, and Osirus
Don't let Him see your old papyrus
Shield your bust of Nefertiti
And your model of Thebes City

But don't deny Him when he calls
For without His say, no pick ax falls
Give Him the mummies that you own
And don't forget Rosetta Stone

He is the king of Pharaoh's land
He finds his fame to be quite grand
You'll never see beneath the Sphinx
Unless Doc Zahi nods and winks...