Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Six Versus Seven

Pigtails, for most guys, mean one thing: Handles.

They are something to hold on to when the lithe pigtail bearer is bucking and squirming. Better, yet, when combined with a tight white blouse, unbuttoned down to there and a short plaid skirt trimmed with knee high stockings.

But when it comes down to it, it's really about the pigtails.

Which led to a dilemma back in 1977.

See, Princess Leah mostly mucked everything up. We were used to pigtails on the side, or buns on top, but she went all wonky on us. she had big fat brunette buns on the side of her head, where pigtails should have gone. She also flitted around in a sheer white night gown, which revealed only the slightest hint of what lay beneath, even when up to her waist in water down in the trash compactor.

And still, head buns be damned, she was the hottest space babe of the decade, setting the standard for sexy space babes to come.

Although she re-appeared in a slave girl bikini in the 80s, Sigourney Weaver probably took the title for the Reagan years.

And with a due nod to Milla Jovovich's Leeloo, I believe Jeri Ryan's Seven of Nine was the cosmic nymph of the 90s.



And this decade? (Whatever this decade is called..) No doubt the sultry space minx is none other than Tricia Helfer's Cylon, Six.



And then, last week, lying in a sweaty feverish stupor, my meandering mind wandered to the inevitable hypothetical cage match. In one corner, wearing her fuck-me-red party dress and stiletto boots, is Six, insidious infiltrator of the Cylon race.

In the other corner, former Borg and born-again Human, Seven of Nine, wearing a form-fitting, curve-hugging wrinkle-revealing Star Fleet issued unitard.

In this ultimate cat-fight to the finish, who will win? Well, let's take a look.

First, the Ms. Congeniality category is a no-brainer. Six kills babies with her fingers, soldiers with missiles and 99% of the known Human race by fucking her way into the Defense Ministry's mainframe. Seven, while once an ugly Borg-ette, struggles to regain her humanity on a daily basis.

Seven wins easily, but then, for the exact same reasons, Six wins the talent competition.

Swimsuit competition? This is far tougher to call. Six, of course, has a Victoria's Secret body, and model-looks, but Seven is no slouch. Brooding, almost pouting, Seven seethes with sexuality and race track curves. On the margin, I think Six takes this one by a nipple's width.

Intelligence? Seven has been assimilated into a collective and her brain has been turned into a computer. Six, on the other hand IS a computer, but sometimes, not a very bright one. The Cylons, as a whole, have proven to be just intelligent enough, just as much as they need to be. Seven, however, could fix things and shit.

I might be stepping out on a limb here, but I think Seven takes this one.

Finally, though, we come to the only competition that matters, hand-to-hand combat.

Seven has proven to have superior fighting skilz, yet is limited, essentially, to her average human strength. Six, of course, seems to have slightly elevated strength, yet Starbuck was able to spike her.

I think they would be evenly matched, grappling, tearing at each other's flimsy fashion. Buttons would burst, seams would rip, thighs would flex. Hot pale flesh would dampen with sweat. Faces would flush. Breathing would accelerate.

In the end, they might both collapse with exhaustion, skin scraped with scratch marks, bosoms heaving. We could only hope. But who would win?

Six, I suppose, with her super strength and resurrection. But really, after a watching a fight like that, I'd say we all win. We're all winners!

10 comments:

  1. I concur number 2.

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  2. To prove my geek status...

    Why don't we throw Alice and River into the mix and see what happens.

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  3. you're dirty

    At least I now know why my pigtail pic was so popular...

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  4. Milla Jovovich9:28 AM

    I play all the best characters.

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  5. To prove my non-geek status....What? Maybe you need another break...just sayin'....

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  6. Uhhhh Grace Park / Boomer...

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  7. Jolene Blalock1:23 PM

    What am I? Chopped liver?

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  8. Tricia Helfer2:20 PM

    Yes, actually, you are.

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  9. River takes them all down. Period.

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  10. Dude, Seven would TOTALLY win the physical fight because she would inject her nanoprobes into Six' computer and just take her over. Shut her down with a nasty Borg virus. However, since you are a guy, I understand your need to see the rending of garments and slithering about on the floor. My husband is not a sci-fi guy at all and even he would pay money to see that fight.

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Be compelling.

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