Thursday, February 21, 2008

We Hold These Truths

Essentially, my job is to get lied to all day long. Clients lie to me. Opposing parties lie to me. Insurance companies lie to me. Chiropractors lie to me. Defense attorneys lie to me. I expect it. It's the way the world works.

You get lied to also. Everyday, you get lied to, and usually, you lick it up like a dog to its own vomit.

Salesmen lie to you. Advertisers lie to you. Marketers lie to you. Your friends lie to you. Your co-workers lie to you. Your favorite politician lies to you. Your favorite magazine lies to you. Your parents have been lying to you for years. Psychologists lie to you. Religious leaders and religious counselors lie to you. Fashion designers lie to you. Organic farmers lie to you. Your children lie to you. The news media lies to you. Anyone who has ever told you that they know the way or the truth or the ultimate meaning to it all, has lied to you.

You lie to you, maybe more than anyone else...

I do believe, under all of the lies, however, that there are truths, and I hold them to be self-evident...

1. I believe in insulin.

2. I believe the Earth is round, though I don't believe that "North" is synonymous with "up."

3. I believe that Human beings are not as evolved or as important as we convince ourselves we are.

4. I believe that the entertainment industry as a whole is overrated.

5. I believe that homemade ice cream on a hot summer day is good.

6. I believe that Hugh Hefner is one of the greatest men of the 20th century.

7. I believe that abject poverty is the root cause of ALL global unrest, including conflict dressed up in religious garb.

8. I believe that kilts are a superior form of men's wear.

9. I believe in the truth of my children's laughter, though I often doubt the veracity of their tears.

10. I believe in my Gin & Tonic recipe, though Fred may have her doubts...

11. I believe that my dreams speak to me. Even those crazy ass ones about drinking in a kitschy cowboy saloon with Carl and Ryan, while waiting to catch our plane to China...

12. I believe that beer made in Oregon is the best in the world.

13. I believe in the smell of meat cooking over flame (either directly or indirectly)

14. I believe that government is mostly bad, can never adequately solve our problems, and should be limited at every juncture.

15. I believe that first-harvest Strawberries always taste the best. (Tom, who fears Strawberries, will disagree)

16. I believe that there is nothing like like a scotch buzz to make a man feel invincible.

17. I believe that zip lock bags should never be washed and re-used. EVER. (Good lord, I get sick just thinking about it...)

18. Tomatoes are good in sauce, but that's about it... Well, OK, the caprese salad is pretty good, but only with good fresh Basil and EVOO...

19. After what he did to Star Wars, George Lucas should never have been given the opportunity to fuck around with another Indiana Jones movie.

20. I believe in my three-dollar tip rule; it's good for the dancers, it's good for the patrons and it's good for me.


  1. Hmmmm.... plane to china.

  2. other6:47 AM

    I see a fire pit night in my back yard after a day of grilling and beer drinking. All the males shall be clad in kilts. The air will be filled with the sound of childrens laughter.

    Oh wait ... that's the summer norm here. For the most part. Boys, get out your kilts!

  3. "I have to lie. Everybody lies! Mommy lies! Even the wonderful Jerry lies!"
    -- Jim Carrey in one of my all-time favorite movies, Liar, Liar

  4. Wait, wait:
    Tom... fears... strawberries!? What the hell, man!?

  5. My parents lied to me???

    I thought as I grew up I lied to them...

    Have to agree with the kilts though - sexy..

  6. Damn Brian! I believe in all of those things too, and that's the honest damn truth. Except for the North not being "up" thing. That confuses me. lol

  7. Let me say, at the outset, then yes, in fact I have worn a kilt. "Professionally."

    Second - that list has the makings of a manifesto.
    Scotch, meat cooking over an open fire, and Hugh Hefner's minions...
    The only thing missing from that list:

    "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women"
    (I am confident that regular Lounge visitors will get the movie reference).


Be compelling.

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