Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Wicked Cold

I clipped the Christmas lights to the rain gutter, orderly, well-spaced, jutting rigidly outward in a festive multi-color array.

The process is simple, and has been reduced over the years to a memorized pattern. I know where to place the ladder. I know where to run the extension cable. I know exactly how many strands are needed to span the face of my house.

I can put them up blind-folded and half drunk if necessary, and I usually do...

This year, though, the going grew slow, as my fingers were seized by the biting cold.

Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I'm not one to shy from dipping temperatures, but goddamn it was cold out! As I was reaching overhead to clip the lights to the lip, I relied upon tactile touch to guide my efforts. My frosty blue-tipped phalanges, however, were lost behind the veil of hypothermic numbness.

The cold has continued, and just this morning I was forced to face an onslaught of small talk about the workplace, which resulted in the utterance of the inevitable and unfortunate phrase: "Colder than a witch's tit."

Which, obviously, has caused me to ponder

Just what in THE hell does that mean??

Witch's tits are cold?? Why is that? Is it from spending too much time in the lap Satan? Does performing mystical fellatio on Beelzebub's boner cause a decrease in breast tissue temperature? Is that in the bible? I don't remember it being in the bible, and believe me, I've read most of it...

Further, I doubt there being any scientific studies on the matter either.

Literarily, how many cold-tittied witches have there been? Sure, there was the Wicked Witch of the West, but she had more of a penchant for melting than freezing... And Glenda the Good Witch, well, she was all warm sunshine and smiles. I couldn't imagine there being even a slight dip in degrees about her bosom.

Then there is Willow. Good Willow. Gay Willow. Evil Willow. You cannot convince me that there is a single thermodynamic deficiency in her lovely and perky sweater puppies. Damn you! don't even try.

And Samantha Stevens? Derwood didn't appear to have any complaints. Not one. Neither of them.
And so, I am left to ponder the origin of the conversational cliche. Sure, the vast cerebral breadth of the information super highway could perhaps answer my mostly-rhetorical inquiry, but alas, I am tired and now bored with this post.


  1. Old folklore suggested that witches had a lower body temperature than normal people, including around the chest area (where one would be expect to be warmest.) Folklore really stacked the deck against any woman they wanted to declare a witch.

    From personal experience... they're not any colder than anyone else's. Although they do taste less salty.

    And with that, I'm done.

  2. I was bored with that post long before you were.

  3. witches tit9:36 AM

    You are really just a big pussy aren't you?

  4. Samantha Stevens. 'cause an Electra complex on Bewitched would be just plain... ewww.

    As for your cold fingers-- how about a pair of gloves? ;-)

  5. Anonymous1:10 PM

    Wow, you braved the cold for your lights! I wish I had some lights up at my house!

  6. witch in a thin bra1:48 PM

    Google says...
    The simple explanation is that “colder than a witch’s tit” is just a vivid metaphor, like “hotter than the hinges of hell.” Since a witch is in league with Satan, presumably she has no maternal feelings. Thus the medium by which she would suckle a child is, well, cold as a witch’s tit.

    But there’s some history behind this. A witch’s tit (or witch’s teat, to use the older spelling) supposedly left a marking that witch hunters and courts would look for on the body of an accused person. Supposedly, witches would suckle their familiars, and sometimes the Devil himself, from this “unholy” body part. To find these marks, as well as insensitive spots on the skin called devil’s marks–caused by the Devil’s claws or teeth–the suspects were stripped, shaven, then closely examined for any blemishes, moles, or even scars that could be labeled as diabolical. To find marks invisible to the eye, the examiner would poke the victim inch by inch with a blunt needle (called a bodkin) until they found a spot that didn’t feel pain or bled. Discovery of these marks or spots–one supposes they would be considered cold since they were a sign of communion with the Devil–would be “proof” of the person’s dealings with Scratch, so they would be shown in full court before the execution.

  7. My friends are smart...

  8. Stripped, shaven, and poked inch by inch with a blunt needle...you know how much I had to pay for that in Vegas? I should have just said "prove I'm a witch"

  9. Dr. B is today's winner.

  10. Sorry I wasn't there to help out this year - might have saved you some frost bite. Have you found any new ways to use the 10 zillion other lights still in your garage?

    Elphaba (aka the wicked witch of the west) Rules! And if you tried to lick her tits would that mean they would start melting?

    See what you boys do to me.....


Be compelling.

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