Sunday, December 10, 2006

Size Matters

Some folks prefer them lean and trimmed. Others prefer full and bushy. Most folks like the smell.

Strangely, women seem to prefer short ones, while men like them big. And everyone likes the balls that go with them.

I speak of Christmas trees, of course, and I got mine today. The G&T family headed out on a short quest down the local rural highway to a quaint family tree operation. The good tree folks sat huddled around a blazing fire with free cider in the crockpot and murky directions for navigating around the acres of evergreens that circled their home.

The missus, the Monkey, and I wandered through the evenly-spaced woods, comparison shopping along the way. The Monkey, now nearly two, trudged on like a trooper, sustained along the path by her giant supply of now-warm cider.

City boy that I am, I had my gloves and my saw, ready to harvest our selection from the soil, which brought back memories of holiday lumberjack expedition in Idaho a few years ago...

Seems that my wife's tree hunting history was different that mine. Growing up with a sister and father who were asthmatic, our tree always came out of a box... Her family, however, would snowshoe for miles up into the BLM back county of the Saw Tooth National Forest, chop down a suitable tree, and tote it back to the car via dog sled, or somesuch...

All of which came as a surprise to me during my first Christmas in Idaho. There were snow shoes for starters, easy enough to master, but a disaster if one slipped off. Then there was the moderate hike, which nearly killed the lower-elevation cousins (myself included). After taking turns, cutting in rounds, to hack through a minor three-inch diameter trunk, The only person left who was acclimated enough to breathe was my mother-in-law. So, she carried the tree out of the forest while the burly, but gasping, men followed...

So, today's trek was nothing like that. With the exception that I got to murder the tree myself. Down in the mud. In the rain. And carry it back up the hill to the waiting truck.

Thing is, the tree looked to be good sized, but not too tall, while we were surrounded by other trees. Now, however, inside the house? It's crazy tall. Crazy.


Thank god for vaulted ceilings.

There is something about a big tree though. It gives one hope. Hope for bigger presents, that is.


  1. My in-home work release program picked up our tree on Saturday and, as a bonus this year, he put it in the stand for me. So, I can't be that upset that Darth Vader was the first ornament on the tree.

  2. Christmas trees are grand.

  3. I have my eye out for a Battlestar Galactica ornament.

  4. I'm just hanging a bunch of lost storm troopers on mine.

  5. My tree has old dentures and extracted gold crowns hanging from it.They are all tied together with floss.
    We leave a fresh glass of mouth wash for Santa too. I think he drinks it for the alcohol content.

    I hope Santa brings my son more Legos this year...and a stripper

  6. When are you going to start marketing the tinsel hats? That would make a nice tree topper.

  7. I was just thinking about the tinsel hats...

  8. Britney4:29 PM

    HEY! Can we talk more about my vagina?

  9. Paris9:21 PM

    do i have to pop out another boob to get some damn attention around here

  10. I bought you a present. You can't have her before Christmas. Dec. 25th happens to be her birthday and well, she is still 17.

  11. Is she 17 on Christmas Day or is she 17 now and will turn 18. That makes a big difference on the amount of years Brian will spend in prison for statutory rape.

    Please remember to leave air holes in your carry on luggage.

  12. familytrain2:19 PM

    wait...wait...uh, xmas trees smell like pussy?


  13. The panty2:39 PM

    I agree, size does matter. You don't want to know what my tree is covered in.


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