Thursday, May 04, 2006

More and Less

"There are things that I hate," I said, as I shoved the last medallion of saucy Hirekatsu into my waiting mouth. The timing of my bite was poor, and the breaded-pork goodness cut off the rest of my exposition.

My regular, yet anonymous, lunch companion looked at me as if I had just declared my preference for breathing air. Suspecting that my thought might not be finished, she waited until I finished swallowing. I took a sip of tea, followed by a sip of miso. Then, I continued.

Actually, I hesitated. My mind was meandering over a myriad of bothersome irks, all wanting to take the form of some semi-solid idea, fully composed and rationally delivered. I made a noise that sounded like "Eghrp," and ate the last bit of spicy crab roll to stall for time as I organized my thoughts.

I will not share the first two irritations as they directly relate to acts performed by folks who read this very blog on a regular basis. For you, reading this now, there is probably nothing to be concerned about. The overwhelming majority of you have done nothing to irritate me. Odds are, it is not you. Unless of course, you are one of the two people I was thinking of. In which case, you really suck!

I will share, however, the one thing that really and truly gets under my skin. It is my one and only pet peeve. It drives me fucking nuts. It's bad when regular folks do it, but when broadcasters, journalists, lawyers, politicians and professors do it, it drives me blind with rage.

My personal pet peeve is the phrase "I COULD care less." Can you see it? Can you tell what's wrong? It's usually exclaimed in moments of high drama when an aggrieved party tries to declare that they do not care about the matter at hand. Unfortunately, the phrase makes no sense.

If you could care less, that means that you possess some level of caring, which could be reduced at some time in the future. However, that's not the message that the drama queen wants to convey. They want to say that they DO NOT care; that they care sooo little, that they could not care less than they do. In other words, they should be saying "I couldn't (could NOT) care less."

Now, god bless Howard Stern, but he is perhaps the world's worst perpitrator of this grammar gaff. It makes me want to bite my arm every time I hear it.

Am I too picky? Am I too strict with the rules? Fine, you are entitled to your opinion. Misuse the language all you want. I couldn't care less!

See, just like that...


  1. Howard Stern9:25 AM

    I could care less you ass monkey.

  2. I could care less about Cinco de mayo but I doubt it.

  3. Hooray for all things Mexican, but I COULD care less for Mexicans themselves.

    My pet peeve is when people put their wipers on full tilt when it's fucking sprinkling outside. It makes me nervous, like they're going to slam on their brakes out of nowhere and after I've smashed into the back of their car, they'll get out and then, ever so suddenly --

    1) Shoot me
    2) Rape me with their windshield wiper blade
    3) Take my windshield wiper blade off and throw it at me, telling me what a stupid pet peeve I have.

    Windshield wiper freaks make me nervous. They're unpredictable.

  4. And what's with the windshield wiper fluid that streams up and over the back of the car??Someone needs to tune that business down.

  5. Anonymous9:13 AM

    You're kidding about the blatant racist statements, right? ALL Mexicans annoy you? Just like ALL Americans wear white sneakers, fanny packs, and talk in loud nasal voices about how much better it is at home? I'm hoping that you were attempting, albeit lamely, to be amusing. Although, I do have my doubts about you and much of humanity.

  6. Of course you have your doubts. I have my doubts, as well.

    No, I am not being blatantly racist. I am being lame, as you said. Way to point it out, jackass!

  7. I love it when people attempt to insult me, and then refuse to leave their blog name behind, so that I have no defense.

    Way to shoot and run!

    Does anyone else have problems with people like this?

  8. Anonymous9:02 PM

    Oh yes, absolutely.

  9. Now would be a good time to remind everyone how much I love scotch. Smooth and rich, warm and complex. mmm... scotch. Even better with a cigar, maybe a naked dancer or two. That's right, Scotch! mmmm.....

    just sayin...


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