Monday, May 01, 2006

Beer Is Food

Scotch
Gin
Tequila

In the pantheon of adult beverages, these three stand strong; icons of taste, class and serious fucking inebriation. Gin-Drunk is just plain drunk. It is a silly gurgly useless sort of drunk. It is not functional. It is not social. It is just simply closed-head-wound-like intoxication. Going to drink gin to excess? Pull up a chair. You're going to be here for a while.

Scotch? Mmmm... Scotch drunk. A good Scotch bender will make you feel important. It better, you're paying enough for it. It will make you feel like a goddamn wheeler-dealer, a player, a gentleman. It will make you the tallest, best looking, most influential Caucasian man in the room, I don't care what color or gender you are. The strippers will, in fact, like you. Scotch will make you witty, generous and all around gregarious. You will not wake up with a hangover. No, but you will discover several weeks later when the credit card bill arrives that you did indeed buy several rounds for that bar full of strangers.

Tequila. Hmmm... I don't know about you, but tequila does funny things to me, or more precisely, it does something funny to my testosterone levels. Tequila drunk is wicked, fiery, and pervasive. You don't get drunk with tequila, you get possessed. A thorough Tequila top-off makes me want to hunt down and kill a steer with my bare hands. Maybe fuck it first, then kill it. Maybe fuck it again. Then, eat it. Raw. Then, wake up the next morning cursing at god, sit on the sofa and sip tepid water and apple sauce until three in the afternoon, fighting like a hero not to move.

These three are fine, but to be honest, they are unjustifiably over-represented in the Lounge. The unsung work horse, the true corner stone, is beer. Light beer. Dark beer. Irish beer. German beer. Hell, even Thai beer. Micro-brew. Macro-brew. Basement brew. Pilsner, lager, stout, ale, porter (well, OK, not porter...) dopple bach, amber, blonde, Scotch, nut-brown, hefeweizen, berryweizen, framboise, or malt liquor... Make it hoppy. Make it yeasty. Tap it with nitro, or just pop the top. Beer is always good.

Beer contains all of the basic nutrients needed for survival. The ancient Egyptians knew this, as did the Germanic tribes and the early Chinese. Beer is food. Beer is bread in bottle, but nothing is better on a hot day.

Even the wise Ben Franklin, the foundingest of fathers, once said, "Beer is proof that there is a god, and that he loves us." Ben also said, "Goddamn, that lightning hurts like a motherfucker!" But that is beside the point...

9 comments:

  1. "Tequila drunk is wicked, fiery, and pervasive. You don't get drunk with tequila, you get possessed.

    Heh heh, yeah. Ain't it great.

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  2. Anonymous5:48 AM

    goood very goood writing hic!

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  3. mmmmmm beer.

    Jaegermiester. The Jaeg Train. That stuff sends me on a black out murderous rampage - like American Werewolf in London. Chain me up but keep pouring Jaegermiester down my throut.

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  4. Brian S.9:36 AM

    Buffalo Inn and Heros pub now carry a small but gaining popularity beer called FAT TIRE. Tom and I are going to get one together, right after the donuts.

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  5. Mmm... donuts and beer....

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  6. Thank GOD I can drink again. And I don't even believe in a God. In the few short weeks since the arrival of the spawn I've had my beloved lemon drop, a few cosmos, several glasses of wine and a few beers. And that was just last night. No wonder the little bundle of joy sleeps through the night...or, at least, I think she does....

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  7. Beer is like a burning log.

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  8. I just bought a six pack of Fat Tire from Ralphs. I lost a bet.

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Be compelling.

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