Thursday, May 11, 2006

Jimmy Crack Corn and I Don't Care

I've been busier than an undocumented house keeper looking for a gringo to marry. Hurry up and wait kind of busy. I had a trial scheduled for this week. As a matter of fact, I should be in the middle of it right now. Same case I had back in February, or whatever. It got bumped back then because the Washington County Court ran out of judges, and the same thing has happened again.

So, my time has been tied, like the hands of a $5.00 whore, and I haven't had the opportunity to blog. Sorry. Get over it. I admit that much water has run under the bridge while I've been away. So many titillating topics have come and gone. The world is really too big and the the topics of conversation too vast to cover all in one post. Nonetheless, I shall do my best to give you all the news that's fit to print. (Yes, I borrowed that...)

Right now, at this very moment, I am drinking a gin and tonic in a pint glass, and I had to make it without a lime. Oh, the humanity! The Injustice! Sure there were a bevy of lemons in the fruit bowl, and sure some drink recipes even call for yellow citrus. Alas, I have standards (stop laughing) and will not accept any sorry substitute for the green garnish. Do you see the sacrifices I make for my readers?? The least you could do is send me pornography...

Trial this week. Due to various privileges, confidentialities and strategic concerns, I can't say anything else, other than the fact that the plaintiff is in a world of hurt and his attorney should take the offer that is on the table.

I have also moved the resident office fish from the dreary 6 gallon tank to the spacious 20 gallon open-range, handed down to me by a regular reader whose current identity, I believe, is anonymous, although he has been other things. Thanks man, the tank is up and running.

The three neon tetras and four blackskirts have been joined by creamsickle mollies and red wag platies. It is a regular tropical menagerie. It has also become a major anti-productivity distraction. I do believe that the swirling scales and flashing fins hold a heavy hypnotic effect, and even conspired to put me under this very afternoon. I indeed dipped into REM at my desk. Fortunately, the lock on my door created the David-Blaine-like illusion that I needed solitude to slog through a stack of mind-numbing medical records. Sometimes, I love my job.

The bright illumination in my back yard is coming from the full-appearing moon. It is not actually full, but really quite bright. A post-blog cigar on the lower deck is a likelihood at this juncture. mmm.... Tobacco.... Might just make up for that goddamn missing lime.

Today, I sustained the world's worst-ever paper cut. A couple of my regular myspace correspondents have already heard this and are permitted to skip ahead. The rest of you, hold on for the creepiest, skin crawlingest, nauseating tale ever told...

It was quiet in the office and the support staff had gone home. Abandoned, I was left to my own devices to do my own filing. Needing a nascent excuse to set aside the well worn dictaphone, I picked up the stack of pre-reviewed records and opened the top drawer of the file cabinet. Reaching in to separate a conglomeration of conjoined accordion files, one renegade Manila folder found its way under my fingernail. The downward lateral motion of my hand did all of the work. I'm not sure how deep it was, but the sub-nail crevice looked like raw salmon.

So, while I have admitted in this blog that I have been assimilated to the Borg-like American Idol collective, I do try to keep the dull chatter to a squeaking minimum. That having been said, holy fucking Christ! Did you see what happened Wednesday night? How can that be?? How did Chris get the boot?? OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!! (Yes, I am a brain-dead 14 year-old girl... From Nebraska no less. Who among us hasn't masturbated to Hello Kitty, Scott Baio, and the Mighty morphin Power Rangers? I mean really...)

39 courageous American soldiers died today in Dick Cheney's goddamned conquest of Iraq. Fuck him! Fuck that evil lying goddamn treasonous greedy manipulating murdering son of a fucking bitch. Fuck him!!

Oh, and his retarded ass-puppet George too...

In a major shift in public manipulation, Jessica Simpson has dyed her hair red. I have an unnatural hankering for the red hair. This news made me throw up in my mouth, just a little.

Princess Leah's baby is still breathing. Of course, if the parents start investing now, they may save just enough money to pay for the immanent psychological treatment the child will inherently need just from being raised by the princess.

On the same note, here is photographic evidence that my own personal monkey is the cutest baby in all of human history.

Watched the last episode of Six Feet Under on DVD last night. I'm not sure what makes me more gay, the fact that I got used to all of the man-on-man love in the show, or the fact that the final sequence got me all choked up. Crapass! I should just start wearing panties.

If the president of Iran announces that he is ready to negotiate, will anyone hear him before the bombs start falling. I wonder whether the Israeli air force will allow embedded reporters?

I have not heard from Tom in a very long time. I am starting to hate him, but just a little.

As you know, Dr. Brian sent an offer to the parent company of American Idol an offer to fix goat boy's teeth. What you may not know is that our very own Deuce works on, or around, the American Idol website. Deuce, having known Dr. Brian longer than I have, has forward the offer to his friends at the show. We shall see...

Lisa from Wales has given up smoking. This is a word of encouragement to her and a warning to the rest of you, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times...

Locally, some whore in the finance department of my fair suburban city has managed to embezzle over $1,000,000 from the city in the past three years. Mayor Quimby and Chief Wiggum are at a loss as to how this crime could have occurred.

The new X-men movie is coming out. Uber-geek that I am, I was never a vermin-like comic book geek. So, I couldn't care less about this craptastic motion picture. Some dude with claws beats the hell out of some blue chick. Whatever...

Have you heard about the ancient pyramid found in Bosnia. It smacks of massive hoax. It remains to be seen. However, the biggest mystery is that Dr. Zahi Hawass, Secretary General of the Supreme Council of Antiquities of Egypt is not somehow meddling in this pseudo-scientific extravaganza.

Howard Stern continues his blitzkrieg against censorship. Sirius subscriptions have far surpassed expectations. This very morning, he had Dennis Rodman on as a guest. Unfortunately, while Howard persisted on questioning Rodman about his epic female sexual conquests, Dennis kept bringing the conversation back to having man love, either alone or in a group, with Howard. It started to get weird after a while. Although, really, not that there's anything wrong with it...

Right now, Pearls Before Swine is the funniest daily cartoon in America. Dead Honkey may be third or fourth...

Item Last: Rumor around the ol'law fiesta has it that my secretary may be planning a move to Montana. Anyone with better-than-average typing and grammar skills is encouraged to apply. You must be smart enough to interpret and improve upon my neanderthal-like grunting. This is a full time permanent position. Depending on the color of your hair and the length of your skirt, you may or may not get a recommendation from me.

That is all.

And hey, hey, HEY! Let's be careful out there...


  1. Hire Pat Humpsalot.

    I cant comment on the rest of your blog. It was so long I forgot what it was about.

  2. amanda1:02 PM

    If only you didn't need a secretary on Mondays. I'd apply if I could at least keep the skirt on.

  3. Aw come on, I haven't been that bad..

    yeah, ok, I have, but it has been 70.5 hours

  4. a formerly regular reader8:29 PM

    the fish thank you

  5. And might I add, we here at Dead Honkey are working hard to rise higher on the list. That's why we put a hit out on Marmaduke, stupid dog bastard.

  6. Shut it. My baby is beautiful and perfect and sweet. Although, she's hungry because your rat bastard child keeps stealing her bottle.


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