Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Goat

Does that hurt?
I should think it would.
You should take better care of your teeth.

I hate myself sometimes.

I hate myself most of all on Tuesday nights. That is because, on Tuesday nights, the Missus and I have taken to watching American Idol.

I know!! Stop laughing...

I am intimately familiar with all that is wrong with the kitschy sappy commercialized shiny artificial-escalation to pop celebrity. It is corporatization to the Nth degree. I know that it is wrong, and not just a little-bit creepy, to vote a sanitized smiling song-singer into stardom. Be that as it may, I cannot stop watching.

There are enough winners-who-went-no-where to prove that the show can't completely control the taste of the masses. For me, though, I think it's the competition. It's the dozen nobodies who go out on stage week after week, singing their guts out in front of millions of viewers. It's the spirited voting. It's the cold elimination.

Yes, I vote. Again, stop laughing. I vote via text messaging. I vote mostly to eliminate the pretty-boys and fat girls. I'm cruel that way. I will probably go to hell.

After those categories are cleaned out, I vote to eliminate the country singers. I hate twang. I hate it almost as much as TV story lines about mental illness.

Embarrassing as it is to confess a fascination with Idol, I have found that I am not alone. I was surprised to learn recently that our very own Dr. Brian (the other Brian) is also a fan. Brian is one of my oldest and closest friends. While we have never actually played gay cowboy in Montana together, we have shared many questionable moments over the years. So, it was a comfort to learn that his taste in television sucks as much as my own.

Now, being one of my best friends, it should surprise no one that he has certain, uh, eccentricities. Brian, as you may know, is a dentist in California. A damn fine dentist, to be sure. However, as an outgrowth of his profession, or perhaps an inspiration for it, Brian also has an unhealthy fetish/obsession for perfect teeth.

This, of course, brings us to Goat Boy, or just "the Goat" for short.

Goat boy is apparently one of Brian's favorite finalists on American Idol, and the subject of many meetings with dental colleagues. Elliott's sad twisted Billy-goat bite haunts Brian's every waking moment by day and disturbs his dreams by night.

As a man of action, my little elfin dental buddy has focused his can-do attitude, and has taken matters into his own latex-covered hands...

The letter to the right is a copy of the actual letter sent by Brian to the producers of American Idol. His offer is genuine, and I thought worthy of some recognition. (Click on the image for a larger copy to read the text.)

Personally, Elliott is not my favorite, but maybe I'll like him better once Brian makes him pretty again...

As far as the show goes, I think twitchy-swaying early-graying Taylor is my pony. Although, neither Elliott nor Taylor stand a chance.

The final two will be Bald-rocker Chris and sexy slinky booby-bonanza Katharine. In the end, Chris will win his corporate rock contract. Katharine will pose for Playboy, Brian will make Goat Boy look human again, and all will be right with the world.


  1. And might I add, American Idol is a fine, fine program and I am proud as hell to be involved with their team. Thank you, and watch often.

  2. And my oh my, what a fine website American Idol has too...

  3. Yes indeedy. Made by the honest, hardworking indigenous people of Culver City.

  4. You two going to hump now??

    just saying...

  5. I am disgusted. Not by conversations about dwarves and one-armed strippers and plant sap. No, this discussion thread takes the prize. AMERICAN IDOL?!?!!? VOTING !?!?!?
    Brian... how could you?!

  6. Sorry Mitch.

    The flesh is weak...

  7. What??? Another blog about "Goats" and nothing from Tom???? Is my iron clad memory failing me - he loves goats, right?

  8. elfboy6:09 PM

    Maybe you can help get the letter to the right people for me. My offer is completely serious. I have an Oral surgeon and Orthodontist just chomping at the bit to get involved too. Thanks for the props Bri. By the way, the only thing questionable about our friendship was that I used you to get at your nubile sister.

  9. Brian Smith6:25 PM

    Maybe you can enlighten Elliot as to what he is in for with his jaw surgery. You see everyone, Brian used to be a goatboy himself. In fact, no one really liked him until he had his jaw fixed. I have carried the guilt of making fun of Brian all of my adult life. I feel somehow that if I can save Elliot from future torment that in esence I will be making up for my poor treatment of Brian.

    Jesus, I sound like Bruce Willis in the sixth sense.

  10. I watched an episode of Survivor once.

    Other than that I mainly stick to Night Rider and T.J. Hooker.

    I like to watch shows with dirty sounding names. This is why I own the complete "I Love Lucy" DVD collection.

  11. I can understand why you would hate twang -- you are living a city and state filled with twangers. I understand, my state and city it's the same problem.

    Fucking cowboys.

    I just enjoy that American Idol is still considered to be a "reality show."

    Hi, Bruce Willis.

    I love Lucy, too.

  12. Ev, normally I would have a lot to say regarding goats, but the post was too exciting. I just had to masterbate.

  13. Tom - hope you wiped before you wrote that entry...and it was with your fingers.

  14. Dr. Brian -

    I am forwarding your request today. I will probably need to contact you today regarding this, but I will let you know.


Be compelling.

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