Sunday, August 28, 2005

Coke Zero. WTF?

Zero calorie Coke. Um, isn't that diet coke? No, see, uh, this has "real cola taste." Which means what, Diet Coke tastes like Yak-Ass?

I guess the problem started with the marketing jerk-offs over at Pepsi who discovered that they could accumulate 8% more of the world's wealth by selling a one-calorie per serving cola product and calling it, astonishingly, "One." Whereas, One used to be the loneliest number, it is now apparently the stuff marketing is made of. C'mon everyone is doing it: Pepsi One, Army of One, The One Campaign (Brad Pitt feeds the world...).

So, the folks at Pepsico spend five years and 20 million dollars to come up with "One" as their new product label. (I'm in the wrong business.) Then, as Cola wars go, Coke had to retaliate, but what could they do? They were caught by surprise. They had no time to act, low-calorie cola was flying off the shelves and Diet Coke was losing ground. Desperate times called for desperate measures, so the MacGuyvers over at Coke pulled out the stops. Relying on the suicide soda fountain tactics of their youth, they mixed Coke with Diet Coke for a half-calorie half-flavored product named, of all things, Coke 2. I mean if you can't use One, then Two is the next best thing, right? Well, apparently only one person in the entire country bothered to drink Coke 2, and that was me. Although, admittedly, it had a slightly metallic taste, and made my tongue a little numb.

Having failed to staunch Pepsi One's advance, Coke Officials have decided to just bracket the Pesi product by releasing Coke Zero. Their thought process, if we take Zero and Two, then there's no where for One to go...

But now I'm thirsty. If only Sapphire would make a low-calorie gin...


  1. Anonymous4:23 PM

    It is "calorie," not "callorie," dammit. Perhaps you were thinking of Marie Callendar's?

  2. Marie Callendar's

  3. Anonymous1:39 PM

    Why would you want a low-calorie gin? Ew!


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