Nascar and Gay Porn

Welcome back from the holidays.

Can someone please explain NASCAR to me.


OK, so, I frequently make fun of NASCAR, rednecks and hillbillies. I suppose my public derogation of others unlike myself, yet similar to distant members of my family, really just helps me feel better about myself. I recognize that. It causes me shame.

So, hmmm... I wonder whether there is anyone out there who can explain this thing to me.


And so, in an effort to see the other side, take a new perspective and give something new a chance, I sat down recently with a beer and some chips to watch some loud and colorful display of NASCAR engineering prowess.

From what it looked like to me, a bunch of guys were driving their cars in an oval, making a whole bunch of left turns. They would occasionally stop for gas and maybe a potty break. Then, sometimes, they would crash. Spectacularly.

That seemed to be just about it.

Oh, there were advertisements all of the cars and the people, but everything was moving so fast, I couldn't really read anything.


What confused me, really, was the crowd. It was HUGE. There were like a million people there to watch the cars go around the oval. And they were cheering. Loudly! However, I couldn't really figure out what they were cheering for. Were they cheering the cars? Like, do they support their favorite advertiser?

Go Pepsi car! Go Aquavelva car!!

Were they cheering the drivers? I don't think so. I mean that doesn't make sense. If the Pepsi car is faster than the Aquavelva car, does it make any difference who is pushing on the gas pedal?

Maybe they were cheering for the crashes. If so, I fear for the future of this world. Although, I guess I shouldn't judge. I mean, there is something for everyone I suppose. The Universe has seen fit to provide me with scotch, BBQ and Battlestar Galactica. Hillbillies should have their day at the races too, and fat hairy gay men should have all of the rough sweaty man love they can find as well.

Which leads me to gay porn.

"Gay Bear" porn, to be precise. Yes even our homosexual friends have fetishes and predilections...


Someone's been a bad boy.


C'mon, give him a cuddle.


For more information on this unique pastime, I recommend the Boise episode from Season 2 of Dave Attel's Insomniac series.


Oh, and I suppose that was NSFW. Although, that probably depends on where you work.

Set Phasers to Stun

Grizzly Anatomy

Class Mammalia, Order Carnivora, Family Ursidae (bears), Genus Ursus, species Arctos (grizzly bear and brown bear.)

Grizzly Bears are up to 7 feet (2.1 m) long and weigh up to 1,500 pounds (680 kg). Females are about 2/3 the size of males. Like all bears, they are plantigrade (flat-footed). The front claws are up to 4.75 inches (12 cm), almost twice as long as the rear claws. Newborns weigh only about 1 pound (0.45 kg), the size of a rat.

Popular Knots

1: Overhand Knot
2: Figure-eight Know
3: Reef (Square) Knot
4: Sheet (Becket) Bend
5: Carrick Bend
6: Bowline
7: Clove Hitch
8: Timber Hitch
9: Taut-line Hitch
10: Sheepshank

Portland Timbers

04/17/2008
07:00 PM
Puerto Rico Islanders
W 1-0

04/24/2008
07:00 PM
Minnesota Thunder
W 2-1

04/26/2008
07:00 PM
Seattle Sounders
W 2-0

05/08/2008
07:00 PM
Rochester Rhinos
T 0-0

05/10/2008
07:00 PM
@Seattle Sounders
T 0-0

05/16/2008
05:00 PM
@Puerto Rico Islanders
T 2-2

05/18/2008
03:00 PM
@Miami FC Blues
T 0-0

05/24/2008
07:00 PM
Vancouver Whitecaps

05/26/2008
02:00 PM
Miami FC Blues

05/30/2008
04:30 PM
@Montreal Impact

06/01/2008
03:00 PM
@Rochester Raging Rhinos

06/05/2008
07:00 PM
Minnesota Thunder

06/07/2008
07:00 PM
@Vancouver Whitecaps

06/12/2008
07:00 PM
Atlanta Silverbacks

06/14/2008
07:00 PM
Juventus Primavera

06/27/2008
05:00 PM
@Carolina RailHawks

06/28/2008
04:55 PM
@Atlanta Silverbacks

07/10/2008
07:00 PM
Puerto Rico Islanders

07/18/2008
04:55 PM
@Atlanta Silverbacks

07/19/2008
04:30 PM
@Charleston Battery

07/24/2008
07:00 PM
Carolina RailHawks

08/02/2008
05:05 PM
@Minnesota Thunder

08/07/2008
08:00 PM
Seattle Sounders

08/09/2008
07:00 PM
Charleston Battery

08/16/2008
07:00 PM
Montreal Impact

08/22/2008
08:00 PM
@Vancouver Whitecaps

08/27/2008
04:30 PM
@Montreal Impact

09/04/2008
07:00 PM
Miami FC Blues

09/06/2008
04:35 PM
@Rochester Raging Rhinos

09/11/2008
07:00 PM
Charleston Battery

09/20/2008
04:30 PM
@Carolina RailHawks

Beef Macaroni Casserole

Macaroni and ground beef meals are great everyday family meals, and this recipe is no exception.

INGREDIENTS:

1 1/2 pounds lean ground beef
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped onion
1 can (14.5 ounces) tomatoes
3/4 cup uncooked macaroni, cooked and drained
1 1/2 cups shredded cheese
2 teaspoons Worcestershire Sauce
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper

PREPARATION:

In a large skillet, heat oil over medium heat; add ground beef, celery, and chopped onion. Fry until beef is browned and onions are tender. Remove from heat and put into large casserole. Add the tomatoes, the cooked macaroni, shredded cheese, sauce, salt and pepper.

Bake at 350° for 30 minutes, until hot and bubbly. Sprinkle beefy macaroni casserole with chopped parsley, if desired.

Exchange

Country
Currency
ISO
05/21/08
05/20/08
Change

AUSTRALIA
Dollar
AUD
1.036944
1.041967
-0.4821%

AUSTRIA
Schilling
ATS
8.725516
8.784287
-0.6690%

BELGIUM
Franc
BEF
25.57985
25.75215
-0.6691%

CANADA
Dollar
CAD
0.984444
0.993049
-0.8665%

DENMARK
Krone
DKK
4.730687
4.762550
-0.6690%

EUROPEAN UNION
Euro
EUR
0.634108
0.638379
-0.6690%

FINLAND
Markka
FIM
3.770235
3.795629
-0.6690%

FRANCE
Franc
FRF
4.159476
4.187492
-0.6690%

GERMANY
Mark
DEM
1.240207
1.248561
-0.6691%

HONG KONG
Dollar
HKD
7.800956
7.801093
-0.0018%

INTNL MON. FUND
SDR
XDR
0.611907
0.614259
-0.3829%

IRELAND
Pound
IEP
0.499401
0.502764
-0.6689%

ISRAEL
Sheqel
ILS
3.324649
3.384557
-1.7700%

ITALY
Lira
ITL
1227.804
1236.074
-0.6691%

JAPAN
Yen
JPY
103.3538
103.6750
-0.3098%

KOREA (SOUTH)
Won
KRW
1040.561
1047.525
-0.6648%

MEXICO
Peso
MXN
10.36044
10.39666
-0.3484%

NETHERLANDS
Guilder
NLG
1.397390
1.406802
-0.6690%

NEW ZEALAND
Dollar
NZD
1.281076
1.289083
-0.6211%

NORWAY
Krone
NOK
4.989513
4.997317
-0.1562%

RUSSIA
Ruble
RUB
23.57948
23.68112
-0.4292%

SAUDI ARABIA
Riyal
SAR
3.750231
3.750246
-0.0004%

SINGAPORE
Dollar
SGD
1.357961
1.365865
-0.5787%

SOUTH AFRICA
Rand
ZAR
7.648357
7.640378
+0.1044%

SPAIN
Peseta
ESP
105.5067
106.2173
-0.6690%

SWEDEN
Krona
SEK
5.909053
5.928588
-0.3295%

SWITZERLAND
Franc
CHF
1.029763
1.037765
-0.7711%

TAIWAN
Dollar
TWD
30.48739
30.57388
-0.2829%

UNITED KINGDOM
Pound
GBP
0.508430
0.507592
+0.1651%

UNITED STATES
Dollar
USD
1.000000
1.000000
0.0000%
-

Gaeta's Lament

For those of you who were wondering after Friday's episode, just what the hell Gaeta was singing, here are the words:

GAETA'S LAMENT

Alone she sleeps in the shirt of man
With my three wishes clutched in her hand

The first that she be spared the pain
That comes from a dark and laughing rain

But wish no more, my life you can take
To have her, please, just one day wake
To have her, please, just one day wake

When she finds love, may it always stay true
This I wish for the second wish I made too

But wish no more, my life you can take
To have her, please, just one day wake
To have her, please, just one day wake.

(seems the third wish is missing)

Oregon and Kentucky

So, when the talking heads on CNN point out that the "highly educated and affluent democrats" in Oregon tend to support Obama, and the "other democrats" in Kentucky tend to support Clinton, are they really just saying that Hillary gets the ignorant inbred dumbfuck racist hillbilly vote?

Really?

Is that really what they're implying?

Gimmee Three Steps

Republicans

Pomegranate

Timbuktu phlebotomy periwinkle zenith crack-a-lack blimp Yorkshire trombone flatter fruity precise dogma lifted grammar fructose roger-dodger voluminous practicality hoover bishop banjo crinkle demand clamp-down bailiwick.

Asteroid phoenix ballyhoo watershed eternity fore-mast-jack yodel ringer trampoline velum Hoosier grenade quicksilver xanax zebra bottle-nose-dolphin lumpectomy jingoism pluck brittle fender cougar scalawag pulpit.

Treason solder glitch fulcrum batter Boston whence whosee-whatsits plastic vibrate dimple deride fester pimple toboggan genocide belch horror trinket french-fry delight delve tinker trollop syringe serenade surrender syrup offal exotic pretender quencher portend polite hirsute brick bicker bender bolster belated fuzzy filthy gunky richer welder robust veranda pilfer strategy wince rally holster pomegranate.

The Amazing Mystical Healing Hands of the Delightful Doctor B

Here is a picture of the hummingbird that Dr. B brought back to life this morning.

I believe it was Elfin Magic.

A Bunch of Dicks (Don't worry Josh, it's SFW)

Overheard in My Office

Best quote of the day:

"If I had any moral compass whatsoever, it would have offended me."

A Bunch of Assholes

I certainly hope no one assumes this refers to them...

Fine

You all want to conspire to end the Lounge?

Fine.

Enjoy the fucking Camel Toe.

Ned Redux

Yes Amanda, I do know how to use my camera.. If you'd like the 10mp version of this picture to blow up and hang on your wall, in which you can see the details of my pocket lint stuck to Ned's underbelly, just let me know...

I am home safe, but very tired. Coming up on the Lounge this week, look for stories about revisionist history, plastic pigs, and LSD...

Don't look for stories about Texas strippers, there won't be any.

And don't get me started on the stinking suck-hole that is Houston.

Oh, and, here is the current wallpaper on my home computer -click on it for greater detail-

***UPDATE***

Oh, and, here is you Ponygirl update for Monday...

Pig

I'll explain later. I do need a name for him though.

Patch

Someday, maybe, I'll blog about the arcane convoluted hodgepodge of rules, laws, guidelines and practices regarding biker patches.

Having been an alien visitor on planet Biker for the past three days, I have come to see how the entire system is tied around vest patches.

A very intelligent professor that I had back in law school once said "Words have meaning." Well, the same can be said for biker patches. Everything sewn to a vest has a purpose and has a meaning.

The best, however, and the one that may become the new motto for the Lounge, was small and sewn low onto the waistband of a nice woman's leather vest.

It read: "IT'S ONLY KINKY THE FIRST TIME."

Amen.

4th

New York is the biggest, by population I suppose.

Then, Los Angeles.

Chicago, I think, is third.

Then, we come to Houston.

Looking at the map of Houston, which I bought in preparation for this trip, I thought it looked for all purposes like a moderately sized hick town. Sure there is oil money here, and cattle money.

However, I was not prepared in anyway for the sheer terror-inducing scope of this scab land...

It is enormous. Sprawling. Never ending. Pointless.

It is hot and dirty, and sticky, and smoggy and crowded and poor. There is no sign whatsoever of any sort of regulation. No urban planning. No traffic engineering. Not even any sign of signage regulation.

It is the worst possible combination of San Bernardino, Tijuana, Pendleton, a swamp and the moon.

I drove around today to see the place. I kept waiting to get to the good part. I never got there.

Sam Houston should have let Santa Anna win.

Drive

Apparently in Texas they hang traffic signals horizontally rather than vertically. Also they dont seem to paint lane lines. Texas is punk rock.

Bayu Breakfast

Its morning in Houston and the temperature is about three hundred degrees outside. Seriously. I could roll myself in corn batter, walk outside and bake myself into a relleno.

Useful as we cross utah

Packed

All packed. Ready for texas.

The Long March Toward Death

Technically, I might not have internet access on Thursday. I might, but then, I might not. Who knows.

So, in advance of the happy occasion, I would like to wish Dave a very happy birthday.

37, I think.

38? nah..

Anyway, I have no words of wisdom or great oratories on the significance of this age. So, instead, here is a youtube goodie just for you...

Sam Houston

Sam Houston was Born in Virginia in 1793. His father was known for his unusual height, and his mother was once said to have the strength of three men.

At an early age, on a family excursion to the Adirondack mountains, Sam had the opportunity to meet an elderly (and somewhat intoxicated) Benjamin Franklin, who remarked in passing that "That Houston boy shows tremendous aplomb."

Never allowing a day to go by in his life without recalling his chance meeting with patriotic greatness, Sam set out to be all he could be.

In 1812, he volunteered under, then Captain, Andrew Jackson to run a suicide mission against British fortifications along the Chesapeake Bay. His mission was successful and he volunteered for three more, earning him the Congressional Bronze Badge of Superlative Greatness.

Then, he became a lawyer.

At the age of 25 he was named Attorney General of Tennessee and given command of the state's militia. At 29, he was elected to Congress, and by 31, he was Governor of Tennessee.

Then, in 1832, having been sorely insulted by a pompous historical nobody while on a visit to Washington DC, He beat the poor sad bastard to near death with a hickory cane on the side walk of Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House.

In an attempt to escape the heat from the savage beating incident, he emigrated, illegally, to Mexico.

Well, Texas, but at that time, it still belonged to Mexico. So...

It seems, back then, in the 1830s, Texas had a serious problem with illegal immigration. Thousands of undocumented Whites from Tennessee were moving south across the border. Many local Texans were heard, at the time, saying: "Holly sheet! Wot de fuck are we gonna do wit all of dees Whities takin over da place??"

Tensions flared, and Sam was named Major General of the (White) Texas Army. Which should not be confused with the other (brown) Texas Army led by Generalissimo Santa Anna.

Houston began to lose battles to Santa Anna almost immediately. At about that time, Lieutenant Colonel William Travis, sent urgent word to Houston from a tiny Mission in San Antonio called the Alamo. Travis essentially said, "Hey, Santa Anna is coming and I could use some help here."

Houston, of course, had other plans. And well, we know how the Alamo ended.

Houston, however, was quite the clever commander, and having later discovered Santa Anna's forces asleep during their mid-day siesta, he launched an all out attack, and destroyed the (brown) Texas Army.

Then, they made him President of Texas.

Then, Texas joined the United states as a pro-slave state.

Then, Texas joined the Confederacy.

Then, It joined the United States again

Then, Sam Became a US senator from Texas.

Then, he became the Governor of the State of Texas. (Making him the only person to have been elected governor of two states)

Then, He invented bubble gum.

Then, he died.

Somewhere along the way, they named a shitty little swamp town after him, which over the years has become the center of the Texas rail road industry, the cattle industry, the oil industry and eventually, the central command for NASA's space exploration.

Houston is now the fourth largest city in the United States.

And, as of Thursday, I'll be there. It's another biker conference for work. Just me and 2,000 hardcore bikers, descending on Houston for the weekend.

I've never spent any time in Texas, let alone Houston.

Anyone have any tips?

(And by "tips," I mean "Strip clubs" natch...)

Can, We Will, Yes.......

I lifted this from Carl who lifted it from Dave who lifted it from someone named Shannon...



Oh, and here is some smut for those who don't want to be bothered by thinking...

The Puppet Master

Finally.

I have been saying it for months now. Shouting at the top of my voice! She descends from a crime-ridden political dynasty, a trail of political murders following her every step.

Fueled by dirty money from China and organized crime. Ballot fixing. Witness tampering. Strong-arming her way into power.

But Don't take my word for it. Make up your own mind

CLICK HERE to see the evidence for yourself.

Spoon

The boyscouts would say: "your pocketknife."

Douglas Adams would say: "your towel."

I say: "the lowly spoon."



You should always know where your spoon is. I may start traveling with mine. Truly it is the most universal utensil. It can be a fork. It can be a knife. It is the only dining implement that can make such wide boasts.

A spoon can kill, a spoon can feed, a spoon can dig.

A spoon can be cocked and released to launch projectiles. A spoon can be hammered into place to seal a hole in a skull. A slow spoon can be used as an effective torture device.

It can be used to serve sauces or honey or gravy or jam.

It can be played like a musical instrument. It can be used to close an electrical circuit.

The spoon is the most useful utensil. You should always know where your spoon is and you should never be without it.

Quality Control

Well, it looks like Quality Control has put his panties where his mouth is...

Sorry about this.