Sam Houston

Sam Houston was Born in Virginia in 1793. His father was known for his unusual height, and his mother was once said to have the strength of three men.

At an early age, on a family excursion to the Adirondack mountains, Sam had the opportunity to meet an elderly (and somewhat intoxicated) Benjamin Franklin, who remarked in passing that "That Houston boy shows tremendous aplomb."

Never allowing a day to go by in his life without recalling his chance meeting with patriotic greatness, Sam set out to be all he could be.

In 1812, he volunteered under, then Captain, Andrew Jackson to run a suicide mission against British fortifications along the Chesapeake Bay. His mission was successful and he volunteered for three more, earning him the Congressional Bronze Badge of Superlative Greatness.

Then, he became a lawyer.

At the age of 25 he was named Attorney General of Tennessee and given command of the state's militia. At 29, he was elected to Congress, and by 31, he was Governor of Tennessee.

Then, in 1832, having been sorely insulted by a pompous historical nobody while on a visit to Washington DC, He beat the poor sad bastard to near death with a hickory cane on the side walk of Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House.

In an attempt to escape the heat from the savage beating incident, he emigrated, illegally, to Mexico.

Well, Texas, but at that time, it still belonged to Mexico. So...

It seems, back then, in the 1830s, Texas had a serious problem with illegal immigration. Thousands of undocumented Whites from Tennessee were moving south across the border. Many local Texans were heard, at the time, saying: "Holly sheet! Wot de fuck are we gonna do wit all of dees Whities takin over da place??"

Tensions flared, and Sam was named Major General of the (White) Texas Army. Which should not be confused with the other (brown) Texas Army led by Generalissimo Santa Anna.

Houston began to lose battles to Santa Anna almost immediately. At about that time, Lieutenant Colonel William Travis, sent urgent word to Houston from a tiny Mission in San Antonio called the Alamo. Travis essentially said, "Hey, Santa Anna is coming and I could use some help here."

Houston, of course, had other plans. And well, we know how the Alamo ended.

Houston, however, was quite the clever commander, and having later discovered Santa Anna's forces asleep during their mid-day siesta, he launched an all out attack, and destroyed the (brown) Texas Army.

Then, they made him President of Texas.

Then, Texas joined the United states as a pro-slave state.

Then, Texas joined the Confederacy.

Then, It joined the United States again

Then, Sam Became a US senator from Texas.

Then, he became the Governor of the State of Texas. (Making him the only person to have been elected governor of two states)

Then, He invented bubble gum.

Then, he died.

Somewhere along the way, they named a shitty little swamp town after him, which over the years has become the center of the Texas rail road industry, the cattle industry, the oil industry and eventually, the central command for NASA's space exploration.

Houston is now the fourth largest city in the United States.

And, as of Thursday, I'll be there. It's another biker conference for work. Just me and 2,000 hardcore bikers, descending on Houston for the weekend.

I've never spent any time in Texas, let alone Houston.

Anyone have any tips?

(And by "tips," I mean "Strip clubs" natch...)