Every story about every person in every place that has been printed can be read at Google News. Read tomorrow's newspaper stories today.
35 stories about the mayoral election in the city of Tilli, in East Timor.124 stories about Battlestar Galactica's Emmy prospects.
345 stories about about how Dick Cheney ass raped the Constitution, just today alone.
1,267 stories about the coming of the Jolie-Pitt messiah.
There is no excuse for being ill-informed any longer. It will only be easier to access news when Fox starts to download it into your cerebral cortex while you sleep. The news is there, like a drunken cheerleader in a hot tub, waiting for you to take it.
However, despite this Orwellian-scope of information accessibility and the instant point-and-click data-whore gratification buzzing with anticipation at our finger tips, there remains certain facts, particular details that seem to elude my ever-seeing eye.
For instance, what word is there of the gestating spawn of Tom's loins? Due she is, this month by my reckoning. Yet, nary a word trickles North. Hope, I still hold, that she shall bear my name. "Brian," that is. Not that heathenistic hybrid of gender-bending nomenclature, "Brianna." Brianna isn't a name; it's an abomination. Oh, but I digress...
Not a word. Not one. Not a solitary utterance from Tom or Mrs. Tom. Not an update. Not a clue. I fear, perhaps, that they are reluctant to deliver ill tidings. Burdened, she may be, that bundle of baby goodness, with a lesser name. Ill-advised and ashamed, the parents may be, in foregoing the singular opportunity to name her "Brian." That curse, as it may be, is on their heads.
A birth announcement would be warmly received nonetheless.
Reading for Comprehension
1. In which Emmy categories should Battlestar be nominated?
2. Is your name "Brianna?" If so, do you hate yourself as much as we hate you?
3. Does the phrase "Tom's loins" creep you out as much as it does me?
I was going to be called Briony until my dad proclaimed no girl of his was going to walk around with his name with a Y stuck on the end
ReplyDeleteThank you daddy...
Official Update: I'm still pregnant. 38 weeks today. I was taken off meds and off bed rest a week ago ... I'm dilated to 2cm and ready to go. However, our little Ella (sorry - not Brian) has a plan of her own and is taking her sweet time. I'm contracting constantly and ready to pop - literally. I'm huge! The light at the end of the tunnel: if I don't have her by the 15th, they'll induce. And I promise, a birth announcement - even a phone call, will come your way.
ReplyDeleteDid Yoda write this post?
ReplyDeleteAs for "Tom's Loins" - tell the truth Brian.......you just can't give him up.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, a Tom Cruize post, you can do better than that Brian.
ReplyDeleteThanks to Mrs. Tom for the update. Finally, my quest for total news saturation is complete.
ReplyDelete