Day of the Platypus

Howard Stern was playing a pre-recorded phony phone-call bit, which I generally find unfunny and irritating. As my daughter and I slugged through southbound I-5 traffic, I spun the dial and wound up on Sirius 103, Blue Collar (hill billy) Radio. Uncensored low-brow comedy, usually delivered with a twang.

Not surprisingly, Larry the Cable Guy was the featured performer. Now, I have conspiratorial theories about Larry, but I digress... Larry was yucking it up with the misanthropic masses, plucking through a cliche routine about firearms. "Guns don't kill people," he drawled. "People kill people. Why, my gun is no more likely to kill a man than my pencil is to misspell a word."

I drove along and let the words roll around in my head. Issues about the NRA, gun control, hunting and self defense swirled like cerebral soup. I realized that I never really bought the argument that guns were for hunting and killing animals rather than people.

I mean, that's entirely fucked up. Why kill animals? They never did anything bad. No, it's the people we need to kill. Guns are for killing people. And really, I'm comfortable with that.

Which lead my wayward thoughts back to the movie that I watched the other night. The Matador. A hedonistically deviant but lonely assassin, played by a rough-cut anti-Bond Pierce Brosnan, befriends a clueless but sweet Greg Kinnear. Pierce teaches Greg the secrets of the killing game.

Traffic picked up, my daughter ate another cracker, and I started weighing the possibility of becoming a hitman. I could do it I think, paid assassin, government killer. I could snipe a target from the grassy knoll.

The best part of the job is the cool nickname. All of the best killers have them. I think I would wand to be The Platypus. I could leave a calling card with my targets, black platypus on a glossy red background. I could do it. I could fly to Prague on a moment's notice and exterminate the Latvian finance minister from 500 yards. Then, leave my card. My enemies would fear me...

Reading for Comprehension
1. It's been ages since I went shooting. Who wants to go?
2. Have you seen The Matador? It's a quirky little flick. I give it a thumbs up.
3. What would you feel worse about: running over a chipmunk or shooting a burglar in the head? Thought so...