Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Edgar, the Field Mouse

As the evening wound down around the old Gin-& Tonic homestead, the missus and I sat in the dark, discussing the day's events. As most of our routine lives lead one day to the next without much variation or excitement, we were inevitably left little to say.

Bored with my own dullness, I offered to tell a tale of my own original devise, and sat for a moment generating the protagonist of the plot. Once materialized in my mind, I began to unfold an unfortunate story, which I shall now share with you.


Edgar, the Field Mouse

by

Mr. Gin and Tonic

There once was a brown field mouse, named Edgar Throckmorton, who lived in a meadow near a babbling brook. It was a lovely meadow with clumps of tall grass and forests of dandelions.

Edgar's home was an old tin can. The lid of the can was still attached, and Edgar propped it up with twigs to fashion a handsome porch, under which to sit. And sit he did, each and every day, in his little mouse chair in the shade of his tin lid porch.

Edgar's field was at the edge of old Farmer Darling's property, and many animals crossed by his door on their way to the clear cold water of the brook. Every morning, after foraging for his breakfast of plentiful nubble-nuts and hoople-berries, Edgar would take his station on his porch and greet each and every animal visitor that wandered down the path.

Donny the deer would wander by, and Edgar would "Eep eep" his greeting. He would "Eep" to Sally the snail, and "Eep eep" to Roger the robin. All of the Meadow creatures knew Edgar and welcomed his daily greetings.

What all of the animal neighbors never realized was that Edgar had suffered, since childhood, from rodent-form Tourettes syndrome, and all of his friendly Eep-eeping was actually just him saying: "F#%k you, motherf&%ker! You c@cksucker! You dirty C#^t-licker! Piece of S#!t Turd-Jockey! Get off my motherf#%king property, you s#!t-eating, j!%z-guzzling, Donkey Feltcher!! Etc..."

No, all that the deer, and the rabbits, and the squirrels, and the robins heard everyday was the happy "eep eep eep" of the friendly little field mouse in the little tin house.

Then, one day, old farmer Darling decide to subdivide and build condos. As he mowed over the meadow with his thresher, the angry little field mouse swore angrily and defiantly at the giant green tractor heading toward his tin can. "Eat My S#!t!!" he eeped as the machine shredded him into a thousand mouse bits.

The End

Reading for Comprehension:

1. When Brian lays around the house at night, playing the third Brother Grimm, does he wear pants?
2. Do all cute animal protagonists in Brian's stories inevitably meet a bloody end?
3. Don't you wish Bambi actually ended this way?

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:37 PM

    1. No, he wears lederhosen.

    2. No. Only cute animals that aren't squirrels. Squirrels always kick ass.

    3. I think it would be better if Bambi followed the Kill Bill model. He tracks down the hunter's accomplices until finally finding the hunter himself and kills him using the five point hoof exploding heart technique.

    ReplyDelete
  2. brian8:00 PM

    I'm sure there's anime to that effect...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I only read your blog to see my own comments.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous11:18 PM

    Isn't that true of all of us?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Critic5:03 PM

    I do not beleive the Tourets BS, he was just a mean little mouse that had it coming in the end. If you want us to feel sorry for that mean little shit and be shocked by the injustice of "The Man," then lose the Tourets. I think you should delete paragraph 5 relating to mouse propensity for cussing. It makes for a better Grimm fairy tale.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maybe I'm twisted - but when the story started off - I really thought the story was going to end with the mouse getting decapitated by the lid.

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

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