Samaritan

It is really no secret that much of my youth was wasted on religion. Tempted as I may be, the tequila working its wicked way with my words, I shall refrain from a scathing diatribe against the folly of faith for the moment.


Suffice it to say, one thing I learned from 20 years of bible study and Sunday school was that Jesus like parables. Holy hell, did he ever like to tell stories! One of the best, admittedly, was the parable of the Good Samaritan.

Basically, a guy gets mugged. All of the upright-uptight religious right pass him on the street, and leave him to die. Only the lowly Samaritan stops to help, and is therefore the most blessed.

Not wanting to be outdone by the alleged son of Jehovah, the modern Fundamentalists made up their own similar parable, based loosely on the Good Samaritan, but designed more to disparage the competition than to preach compassion. For the full text of the slanderous saga, click here.

For those of you too lazy to read, the gist is that a man falls in a fairly shitty hole, and breaks his legs. Mohammed finds him and shouts down, "hey, don't eat pork, and pray toward Mecca five times a day."

Buddha then finds him and tells him his problem was the result of desire. Marx tells him that he can only be free through class struggle and revolution (Marx misrepresented once again...)

Freud suggested that the man subconsciously wanted to be in the hole. New Agers suggested that the man had bad karma or negative energy (or something). Finally, and this is the important part, Jesus found the man, got down into the hole with him, and carried him out.

Nice story. Brings a tear to the eye.

So, I got to thinking, "what if I fell in the hole?" What if I were the man, and I laid in the shitty pit with broken shins? What if my regular readers walked by? What would they say? Hmmm... I wonder....

Inog: "Hey, that shitty pit reminds me of this squalid village in Laos where I ate a small child for Brunch!"

Mrs. Inog: "So, If I make an offer to perform a rescue, and you rely on my promise to your own detriment, am I bound to perform? What is your remedy if I don't? Am I equitably estopped from non-performance? Oh wait, maybe this is a Torts question..."

Dr. Brian: "If you were a cute blonde girl, I'd rescue you. Mind if I masturbate into the hole anyway?"

Ev: "Ha, you lying in a muddy hole with broken legs reminds me of highschool!"

Lisa: "Quit your bloody whining. We'll have you tubed and shipped out of there in no time."

Valdez: "Broken legs? You crack me up!"

Princess Leah: "I better not get too close to the hole, my pneumonia may turn into tuberculosis! And I might get pregnant again!!"

Mitch: [pushes Leah into the hole]

Ryan: "I liked the original story about Jesus better..."

Dave: "Hey, this gives me an idea for a new Dead Honkey..."

Amanda: "I feel that the hole is analogous to the classical western repesentation of man's inhumanity to... Hey! Goddamnit! Can you see up my skirt from down there??"

Mrs G&T: "You fell in a pit?? This is worse than the hickeys on your forehead."

Margus: "Jesus, you should see the size of the holes we have in Minnesota."

Tom: "Is this some metaphor for Brian being gay?"

Anonymous: "I blame Leah for Brian being in the hole."

The Other Anonymous: "This blog hasn't been good since last October. Brian deserves to be in in the hole."

Daisy's Missing Arm: "Need a hand? ahahahahahahhahaaaaa...."

Christina Ricci: "I've got a hole you can fall into..."

The Kayak Paddle: "Rivers? Holes? Christ, I need to buy you a fucking helmet!"

The Hat: "Let ME float away, huh? Guess who dug this goddamn hole!"

Reading for Comprehension:
1. OK, who am I missing?
2. Did I get you right?
3. What else might you say to me if I were lying in a hole?