Friday, April 29, 2011

Beer Goggles

The taunting has, of course, begun again.  Naturally.  Your bartender is here to take your barbs, but from Mrs. Gin and Tonic?


And just what is her complaint? What is the crux of her criticism?

She has criticized and scolded me for nothing less than not leading off with enough edgy smut... Not enough good old fashioned G&T T&A.

So.  OK.  Fine.  Back to familiar form we go.

Therefore, let me bend your ear, and lay plain the current grievance of my heart.  What, you may ask, is it these days that confounds me and causes consternation?  It is simply this, what to do with topless bartenders.

Sure, I see the confusion in your eyes.  I see you scanning back, trying to understand what it is that I just wrote.  Topless, yes, we understand that.  Bartender, wait, no, I am not talking about myself.  But the final pieces do not seem to fit.

Mr Gin and Tonic?  Confounded by a topless anything?  Say it ain't so!  Has our daringly-debaucherous icon lost his nerve?

Well, maybe, but that is beside the point.  It's a matter of manners and appropriate eye contact.  In business dealings, whether with high-powered corporate law-babes in high heels, or simply while ordering an egg mc muffin from the girl at the drive through, maintaining eye contact shows respect and keeps the peace.

Sure, there are times when the eye is appropriately appropriated to survey an alternate scene, but those opportunities are few and clearly defined.  And so, we come to the matter of the bar keep, who in an effort to increase tips, shows more of the goods than a bar patron may have bargained for.  To maintain eye contact while placing a drink order may signal an insensitive rejection of the heaving display.  To stare, though, flies in the face of good taste.

Fidgeting, therefore, ensues.  As does stammering, shuffling and mumbling small talk.  Squint.  Look at the time, order the quickest drink possible and inspect the stash of plastic garnish picks while she's pouring...

What to do?  I do not know.  Bikini coffee girls?  Great!  But bartenders?  Let's keep our shirts on.

Topless Nun
1/3 oz Peach Schnapps
1/3 oz Bailey's Irish Cream
Few drops - Sambuca
Mix the schnapps and Baileys in a shot glass, 
drip the Sambuca into the middle, making a small nipple-like dot... 


  1. Dylan3:01 AM

    Looking at the photo, I'd say the more pressing question is not about maintaining eye contact, but how much do you have to tip for a motor boat?

  2. I do not know that I have ever had a topless bartender prepare a drink for me. I have respect for the sacrament and that type of tawdry gimmick has no place when it comes to tending bar.

    Topless bartenders would be on par with a priest in sequins, as in something you expect to see with boys, not men.

    St. George of the Tahiti and Eternal Gin would not approve, nor do I.

  3. Nice rocks!

    How does she not have a 'wardrobe malfunction?'

    AND where the hell is eye candy for us ladies in the morning?

  4. Anonymous9:12 AM

    I must say - I like cocktails. I like women, topless women are a plus. But, I don't necessarily feel compelled to combine them. The question really is, does the experience benefit from the combination?
    I mean, I like naps. And I like driving fast. But I think we'd all agree that those activities should be enjoyed separately.


  5. Anonymous10:22 AM

    How about topless bee keepers? Just a thought. When dealing with hazardous goods 'tis best not to tip the perilous scales of danger. That being said, I can't help but support my local topless bartendress. The pros clearly outweigh the cons here and mmmmm... college.

    P.S. I can't find any pictures of topless beekeepers. WTF?!

    Here, Brian:

    The chick:

    The other guy:

    For your pleasure:

  6. Anonymous~That chic isn't so pleasing to the eyes! And the guy looks like he's barely 18! Can you find me someone a tad older and more muscles!

  7. The bartender at the british bulldog has man tits like meat loaf in fight club. I don't stare at them but, it does make me tip more.

  8. Gilligan2:42 PM

    A motorboat you have to pay for is called a three hour tour

  9. That's your edgy smut, sweater-vest boy?

  10. Sweater vest boy4:51 PM

    Can't just go rushing into two-girls-one-cup, now can I? We've gotta ease back into these things...

  11. Conscientious Objector8:03 AM

    Bikini coffee made me uncomfortable. Goose flesh from the cold, misty Oregon mornings, and handprints in the self tanner kind of took away from it all. It ruins the sense of theatre. Additionally, nipples that near the foam can cause unsafe driving conditions.

  12. Anonymous1:28 PM

    that cood tits


Be compelling.

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