Guess Who ISN'T Going to Hell!!

7 out of 7.

I had a perfect record.

I'd nailed all seven with a perfect completion. There was no way around it. Despite Dr. Brian's misguided theological dissertation that once a soul is "saved" it remains saved, I was quite certain that my blatant pagan-like apostasy had clearly and cleanly severed all ties to the Holy spirit and the blood of atonement. I was certainly doomed to Hell, if, that is, it actually existed.

Obviously it doesn't, but still, I had a perfect record.

The Catholics, apart from their standard laundry list of liturgical heresy, like to make shit up. Rather, actually, they simply have no sense of humor, and when one of their red-robed princes says something "canonical-sounding" they simply lap it up and turn it into Dogma.

For instance, neither veneration of Saints, supplication to Mary, transubstantiation , nor terrestrial patriarchal confession actually exist at all in the Bible. However, over the millennia, these small ideas have grown into substantial pillars of papist faith.

And so it was with the Seven Deadly Sins... Oooohhh... those sound REALLY Bad!!

Well, again, scripturally, sin is sin. As Saul of Tarsus wrote in his manifesto to his Roman followers: All have sinned, all have fallen short of the glory of God.

If you adhere to the fairy tale of sin, then no single sin is worse than any other. If you lie to your best friend and tell her that those hideous jeans don't actually make her look fat, when you know goddamn well that they accentuate her heifer-sized ass, then you have lied, which means you've sinned, and unless you follow the arcane path to salvation, you are going to hell to burn for eternity next to Pol Pot, Hitler and Dick Cheney.

The Catholics, however, decided to put extra emphasis on seven particular sins, because they really really didn't want you to have any fun at all.


C'mon, you've all seen the Brad Pitt movie... Name them.

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride

Hell I can break most of those lying on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon...

Lust: Have you seen the pictures of Dita??

Gluttony: If I'm still wearing pants by the end of dinner, you haven't made enough dinner.

Greed: I'm a lawyer

Sloth: Much of my busy work day is filled with Internet searches for naked midget gangbangs and new camera equipment on Craigslist.

Wrath: Nothing flips my anger switch like insubordination. Burglary gets me going too. However, most importantly, despite my mild-mannered easy-going demeanor, do not get between me and my children. Trust me on this.

Envy: I really wish I was Ryan Seacrest

Pride: C'mon, have you been reading the Lounge??

But all of this perfect system of sin, this checklist against grace, this blueprint for eternal damnation is no more. As of March 9, 2008, the moldy old Holy See has played the old dogmatic switcheroo. Out with the old carnal infractions, in with the new.

The church has released a new list of 7, replacing the old 7 deadlies with 7 modern "social sins." The deadlies have gone the way of Pluto it seems, vanishing with the vote of a committee...

Now really, in all fairness, I have to hand it to the old man in the funny hat. I appreciate the policy behind the new sins, but really, the only folks who are going to hell under the new list are the oil companies, Microsoft, the Colombians, the Nazis and the Chinese. And I think the Chinese were already well on their way to begin with.

I mean, I can't even begin to put a dent in the new list. Look, here it is:

Environmental pollution
Genetic manipulation
Accumulating excessive wealth
Inflicting poverty
Drug trafficking and consumption
Morally debatable experiments
Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

So, after all these years, after all of the debauchery, debasing and devouring, I get off Scot-free... (assuming, hypothetically that is, that marijuana is a naturally occurring herb, and not a "drug" per se...)

Just sayin...

Anyway, I'm going to heaven, and I'm ready to party. I've got my gun, some hooch, a wallet full of cash and a bus ticket to Mexico! Who's coming with me??